In an ideal world, parents are more emotionally mature than their children.

However, many adults and adolescents have shared experiences of childhoods where their fundamental emotional needs were unmet.

Various factors can contribute to a lack of emotional connection between parents and their children, resulting in profound feelings of loneliness and distress. It can be perplexing to feel this way when, on the surface, you seem to have a fulfilling life—steady employment, financial stability, friendships, and perhaps a solid romantic relationship. Yet, a lingering sense of loneliness and pain persists, leaving you questioning its origin and feeling guilty about your emotions.

This emotional void often stems from childhood experiences where your basic physiological needs were met, but intimacy and connection were severely lacking.

This absence of emotional bonding can leave you feeling emotionally depleted even years later.

Lindsay Gibson, author of Being Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents (2018), identifies four types of parents that can create such disconnection and pain, some of which may resonate with your experiences:

The Driven Parent

These parents are relentlessly focused on their careers and often view their children as extensions of their own ambitions. While they may appear successful and high-achieving, their constant busyness can leave children feeling neglected. Despite living in a comfortable environment and attending good schools, children yearn for quality time with their parents. The pressure to excel academically can be overwhelming, leading to a pervasive feeling of inadequacy, regardless of achievements.

The Emotional Parent

This type of parent is unpredictable, fluctuating between extremes of emotional expression. Driven largely by their feelings—especially anxiety—they can create chaos for the family. Their emotional state dictates the household atmosphere, leading to a sense of instability. Children often feel they must navigate their parents’ emotional ups and downs, sometimes taking on a caregiving role. Clients frequently describe their experiences as feeling unsure of whether they were the caregiver or the cared for.

The Passive Parent

At first glance, passive parents may seem somewhat engaged with their children, but their connection is often superficial. They might be preoccupied with personal interests or intentionally ignore serious family issues. While they can show affection, they are often absent during critical times, leaving children to cope with the fallout from the other parent’s behaviour. Many clients recount feeling hurt not only by the actions of the abusive parent but also by the inaction of the passive one, leading to beliefs that they are unworthy of protection or investment.

The Rejecting Parent

Often the most harmful, rejecting parents can be abusive (both subtly and overly) and create a profoundly painful environment. Their behaviour can lead a child to question their worth and feel unloved. The emotional distance in these households fosters feelings of fear and anger, making it difficult for children to seek help or form healthy relationships later in life. The absence of affirmation during childhood can result in significant cracks in one’s sense of identity and ability to connect with others.

In our practice, we also identified additional parenting types that contribute to lasting emotional voids:

The Neurodivergent Parent

Neurodivergent parents, including those on the autism spectrum, can face unique challenges due to communication barriers and differences in emotional expression. Their reliance on routine can limit spontaneity, and difficulties with social interactions may hinder bonding moments, reducing a child’s opportunity to use their parent as a role model for social and emotional needs.

At times, children may feel compelled to meet the emotional needs of the neurotypical parent when the neurodivergent parent struggles, effectively stepping into a role similar to that of a partner, which can result in feelings of confusion or a sense of being deprived of a typical childhood.

While sibling dynamics may shift as some children take on additional responsibilities, these experiences can also foster resilience and empathy. Neurodivergent parents might encounter stigma or isolation that overflows to other family members. But by embracing their differences, neurodivergent parents and their children can find meaningful ways to connect and thrive together.

The Prideful Parent

In some cultures, particularly in Asian communities, the prideful parent can significantly impact family dynamics. Here, pride, honour, face, and harmony are highly valued, often at the expense of addressing deep-rooted issues. Family conflicts or instances of maltreatment may go unvoiced, as speaking out is seen as a disruption of harmony. For example, a child facing bullying from a sibling or unfair treatment might hesitate to report it, fearing they will upset the family peace. Consequently, mistreated family members may feel compelled to remain silent to maintain a false sense of peace. It is not uncommon for this dynamic to be present in relationships with in-laws and extended families.

In this context, public perception of the family often takes precedence over genuine connections. Maintaining traditions and formalities can sometimes emphasize the superficiality of rituals rather than foster authentic relationships. As a result, mistreated family members may feel pressured to adhere to traditions while their pain remains unaddressed. Additionally, children may come to believe that formalities are more important than authenticity, leading them to feel inauthentic when participating in rituals and mannerisms that do not align with their understanding of genuine relationships.

The Substitute Parent 

In Hong Kong, children growing up with absent parents may form strong bonds with domestic helpers who take on nurturing roles in their lives. In some cases, children may be viewed primarily as a means to fulfil the parents’ social and cultural expectations. As a result, the roles of parents can become more about titles, leaving children feeling neglected. Even when children feel a greater attachment to their helpers, they are aware of the power dynamics at play, which leads them to submit to their biological parents’ authority despite their closer emotional ties with the helper.

When domestic helpers leave, it can create a significant emotional void, and children may fear expressing their sadness, worried that it might upset their parents. In these situations, children perceive their helpers as more capable and understanding of their emotional needs. This creates internal conflict, where children feel torn between loyalty to their biological parents and their emotional connection to their helpers, complicating their sense of belonging and identity.

High-Conflict Parents

Marital issues between parents can have a profoundly negative impact on children, as they often feel the strain of unresolved conflicts. In their efforts to secure peace within the household, children may take on various roles that are unhealthy for their emotional development. They might become peacemakers, striving to mediate between their parents to alleviate tension. Alternatively, some children may assume the role of a substitute partner for one or both parents, providing emotional support that is inappropriate for their age. Others may feel pressured to take sides, leading to feelings of guilt and division. Additionally, children might try to embody everything their parents’ marriage lacks, striving to fill emotional voids that are beyond their capacity. These dynamics can severely undermine a child’s sense of security and peace, leaving them to grapple with confusion and anxiety.

Embracing Growth: Transforming Parental Challenges into Opportunities

These parental types exist on a spectrum, often blending characteristics from multiple categories.

Addressing the impacts of being raised by emotionally immature parents often requires counselling to help heal past emotional pain and establish healthier patterns.

To us parents reading this, it’s essential to recognize that providing emotional connection can be challenging, especially if you didn’t receive it during your own upbringing. Understanding that emotional availability may not have been modelled for you can help foster compassion for yourself as you navigate your parenting journey. Acknowledging this difficulty is the first step toward creating a nurturing environment for your children, as it allows you to seek out resources and support that can enhance your emotional skills and strengthen your relationship with them.

Challenges as a parent can evoke feelings of inadequacy and guilt. However, it’s never too late to learn and grow. By seeking support and being open to change, you can create a nurturing environment for your children and break the cycle of emotional disconnection.

Each step you take towards emotional awareness benefits not only you but also future generations.